Oooouch! That Hurts - Microaggressions
“I don’t see color, Can I touch your hair, is it real? You speak English so well!”
All of these statements are examples of microaggressions. Comments or actions that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally express a prejudiced attitude towards members of marginalized groups.
They are often said with a positive intention and seem harmless on the surface but carry a negative impact that many are not aware of. That lack of awareness comes from us being socialized to believe that microaggressions, whether behaviors or statements, were ok. The fact that they are micro, small, usually happening on a one on one basis, also contributes to them being more challenging to call out when they occur.
As a Black woman, I have endured many microaggressions. You might be surprised to learn, the microaggressions I have experienced have almost always come from my own friends.
I have had people close to me make statements implying that men would be more attracted to me if my hair was straight rather than in braids. I have been told that I do not sound Black and that I speak the “king’s” english. I have had people make assumptions about what sports I should be good at because of the color of my skin. I have been questioned about why my hands are not the same color on both sides like a white person’s (yes, that was an interesting one!). I have been told that I am not seen as black. I have been asked to change my hair to be straight so that I would look like the other bridesmaids (even after explaining my protective hairstyle regime). All of these microaggressive statements were made by friends and all of these statements have left a mark on me.
The more microaggressions you experience, the bigger the impact they have. These experiences can cause anxiety, hypervigilance and even depression within a person of color or member of a marginalized group. Having to go into each day not knowing where the next microaggression is coming from can leave you on guard all the time because these statements can come from friends, family members, coworkers or even acquaintances.
Think of it like death by a thousand cuts. Each comment leaves an indelible mark on the person that they are being said to. You don’t see it, but it is there. The first statement or cut you may not even notice, the second and third, you start to feel something but you are not sure what it is because there is no visible mark. When you get to the tenth microaggression, the tenth cut, you feel a scratch but it hasn’t broken the skin. The twentieth, now we have drawn some blood, but it's nothing that a band aid won’t fix. But what happens when you get to the thirtieth? The fortieth? Now we have an open wound that won’t heal.
There were often times when I didn’t speak up when someone said something offensive to me. I was the only person that looked like me and of course didn’t want to upset the delicate status quo of fitting in and being liked, that I had cultivated. I already stood out because of the color of my skin and my height (5’9 in flats), and being the race police was not something that I wanted to take on. Over the years, one would think that this would change but I can honestly say that it was not until a few years ago that I started to really hold people accountable and sadly, it has not always gone well. In that moment of hearing the comment, having it hit me like a punch to the gut, and making the decision to speak up, I ride a wave of emotions like a rollercoaster.
Cue up the mental anguish. Sometimes I am surprised at how much the feeling of fear comes up for me. It is the fear of telling a friend that they had said something ignorant, my friend not believing me, not apologizing and then losing the relationship. I ask myself, is it worth it? If I consider them to be a friend, then it is worth it to me because this is who I am choosing to be around. I need to know that the people I am around know that they are hurting me and possibly others with their statements or actions. I ask myself, how are they going to take it? What will happen next if they don’t take it well? Will I be blamed or gaslit?
I am always hopeful for a positive result, one in which they do acknowledge their mistake, apologize, and we move forward being more aware. Unfortunately, I have experienced the opposite and have in fact lost relationships. There was a time where I would have chosen the relationship over speaking up, but I feel more empowered now. My age, my work in the diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) space, and most importantly, knowing that I am not alone and that so many people deal with this on a regular basis, have all contributed to my new found courage. Feeling supported by other people that look like me also gives me the strength and affirmation of knowing that I am not exaggerating things or overreacting as many would like to make the person calling out the behavior believe. The support of allies, my allies, and their ability to listen and understand, has also been a courage booster.
I now choose to trust in my relationships, and trust the fact that my friends would want me to tell them when they have made the mistake of saying something ignorant or offensive instead of allowing wounds to grow rather than heal.
So what can be done to avoid making these microaggressive mistakes or at least learn from them when they happen? We need to consider how we communicate by looking at our intention vs. the result we elicit, and consider the potentially different ways a message may be received by a person. Just because you think something is a compliment, an innocent question, or a joke doesn’t mean it actually is. A regular excuse that is often used when someone is called out for committing a microaggression is that it was not their intention. What they don’t realize is that regardless of their intention, the statement has had an impact, a negative one because words have meaning. Noting the cumulative nature of microaggressions, imagine having to take that negative impact that pokes at you and picks at you, affecting you on the inside, everyday of your life. This is the part of microaggressions that people do not see and because they do not see it is becomes easier for them to deny their ability to truly hurt.
If we can acknowledge what the problem is and start talking about it, then we can ALL partake in the responsibility of fixing by increasing our awareness. If you are being held accountable and having your behavior called out, I implore you to take the time to replace the judgment or defensiveness you may feel with curiosity. When you do this you place yourself on the path to obtaining the knowledge that gives you the power to change the world.
